Millstone
by Bobbiebobbob
Summary: There's not one person in Azkaban who wasn't deranged, unhinged in some way. For Sirius Black his life ended when he was twenty one. His best friend was dead and he was imprisoned. He reflects on his past and struggles to live in a world without James.
1. Chapter 1

_I used to be such a burning example_

_I used to be so original_

_I used to care, I was being cared for_

_I used to sleep without a single stir_

_A millstone around my neck_

_There's nothing I wouldn't give_

_I was the glue that kept my friends together_

_Now they don't talk and we don't go out_

_there's no time to save him…_


	2. Chapter 2

_This story isn't like a slash between James and Sirius or anything. It's just showing how deep their friendship was and how almost obsessed Sirius became with living in the past._

I leaned my head back against the trunk of the beech tree, lazily watching the other students milling around on the grass. The anticipation of summer was hanging in the air. I heard a clear laugh from the lake. A group of girls were sitting with their shoes and socks off in the lake, enjoying the nice day like everyone else.

I stared at them for a while, one in particular, before being brought back to the present by Wormtail's shrill cheer. He was the adoring audience of Prongs' showing off. The only one watching actually, no matter how many times Prongs' would mess up his hair and look over at the girls.

"Put that away, will you?" I said annoyed as Prongs grabbed the snitch with the tips of his fingers and Wormtail cheered again. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

Prongs grinned and shrugged. "If it bothers you." He shoved it in his pocket. I reached over and pulled some grass out of the ground, ripping them up into small pieces.

"I'm bored," I said letting the grass fall into my lap. "Wish it was a full moon."

"You might," Moony said darkly, looking up from his book for the first time. "We've still got Transfiguration; if you're bored you could test me…Here." He held out his book and I snorted.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," Prongs said quietly. He had been sitting, unusually silent throughout the conversation, and was now staring at something over my shoulder with a smirk on his face. "Look who it is…"

I turned my head slightly. Snape was standing a few yards away stuffing a paper into his crammed bag. I was very still. "Excellent," I breathed. _"Snivellus_." I looked back at Prongs who was always on the same page as me. He already had his wand out.

As Snape walked across the grass we stood up. I could feel the anticipation of something, anything, to entertain me coursing through me.

"All right Snivellus?" Prongs asked loudly. Snape jumped to action, flinging his bag away from him and plunging his hand inside his robes. Prongs waited until Snape's wand was halfway in the air before shouting, "_Expelliarmus!"_

I laughed as Snape's wand flew twelve feet in the air, falling with a thud in the grass behind him. "_Impedimenta!_" I said, pointing my wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet in a failed attempt to reach his wand.

I noticed a crowd had started to form around us to watch. Nobody liked Snape. He was a slimy git who thought he was better than everyone else. I threw a smile at some of the girls from the water's edge before turning back to Snape.

He was still on the ground as we advanced on him, wands up. "How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Prongs asked.

I let out a bark of laughter. "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Prongs laughed as well with several others. I could hear Wormtail sniggering in the background. I glanced at Prongs, grinning and our eyes locked.

Then his features turned deathly pale, his lips blue. The life seemed to burn out of his eyes and his skin melted away at his hand revealing the bone.

As I ran towards him, everything else fell away. Prongs' eyes closed and he slipped away with it.


	3. Chapter 3

I sat up, gasping. I could feel the sweat pouring from my forehead. My heart was pounding and I couldn't stop shaking. I wrapped my arms around my trembling legs and looked around as best as I could. The moonlight only dimly drifted through the window.

My mind wanted to dwell on the dream, but I fought against it. I couldn't think about it, not if I wanted to survive.

I heard someone scream and though it was cut short it remained with me, echoing and rebounding off the walls.

I squeezed my eyes shut, but from behind my lids James watched me, his expression terrified right before he fell backwards.

I put my wasted hands on either side of my head, holding as tightly as I could, trying to block it out.

But it was no use. I could feel the wind on my face, practically taste the sunshine. And most importantly, I could picture my friends clearer than I had in years.

Lupin, who always hated it when we called him Moony, Wormtail; the traitor among us (I thought of him with a surge of revulsion), and James. James, who I'd never see smile again. Who was my best friend. Who was now dead.

I opened my eyes slowly. I hadn't felt so close to him since that terrible night. I could see him now so very perfectly, almost like he was right beside me. Or was he?

I sat up straighter, my hand reached out into nothingness and James faded away, dissolving into the moonlight.

The grief overtook me as I realized where I was - so far away from my old self that I could barely imagine my past at all. It was like my life had started and would eventually end here.

I could hear them coming. Drawing in slow, rattling breaths and feeding off my misery. I knew I had to stop, but I couldn't. My pain was like a drug. I needed it to remember who I was.

It was so cold. I could feel it inside my soul. In the back of my mind I knew I should transform, but I couldn't quite work up the motivation.

In my cell at Azkaban I curled into a ball as the dementors came nearer.


	4. Chapter 4

When I was younger my parents liked me, dare I even say, I was their favorite. I was so much smarter and more spirited than my brother, Regulus.

Regulus followed the rules - didn't have his own opinion about anything. I was always breaking the rules, constantly on the go from morning to night. My parents thought I would be something great.

However, it all ended once I began Hogwarts. Once I broke the family tradition of being sorted into Slytherin.

The smoke billowed into the air from the scarlet-red train. Bodies were jam packed into every corner and I soon lost sight of Andromeda and Narcissa. The excitement in the air was so tangible. I could barely keep on the ground.

"Sirius!" My mother grabbed my arm before I could disappear. I sighed and twisted around to face her.

"What?"

She fussed with the collar of my shirt and I tried to pull away. Regulus stood by her smirking at me. I glared at him before wearingly turning back to my mother.

"Sirius," she began. "You've been difficult lately and I'm assuming it's due to you starting school."

"Difficult." Me being difficult was not participating in Bellatrix and Narcissa's muggle torture, disagreeing with my father about his pure-blood supremacy views and pushing Kreacher headfirst down the stairs.

"You shouldn't be worried. There's no doubt at all of you being sorted into Slytherin. There isn't a Black who hasn't been."

"Right," I said gloomily. She patted my head with her claw-like nails and towed Regulus away by the arm.

I pulled my trunk over to the train. I was having mixed feelings about being sorted into Slytherin. I wasn't so sure if I wanted to be like the rest of my family now and I wanted to talk to Andromeda, who coincidentally was my favorite cousin, but I wasn't about to go in every compartment looking for her.

So, heaving a sigh, I opened the nearest one. A group of rowdy boys who looked about my age were in there. They immediately quieted when I stepped in.

"Can I join you?" I asked no one in particular. Some of them muttered yes's and scooted over to make room. They looked at me as though they were afraid, but I sat down and they resumed talking noisily.

Except for one. He was still staring at me, but not as though he were terrified I might curse him. He had black hair that stuck up in every direction and hazel eyes that were surrounded by wire-rimmed glasses.

Once he caught my eye he reached over, holding out his hand. "I'm James Potter."

"Hi," I said, shaking his hand unaware of how drastically my life would change from then on. "I'm Sirius Black."

"Black?" one of the boys asked sneeringly.

"Yeah." My face felt hot. "What about it?"

"Nothing," the boy muttered, turning pink and looking away as I stared him down.

I gave a short, humorless laugh and James smiled. He leaned closer to me from across the aisle. "So you're a first year too, right?"

"Yep." I was curious to know more about this boy so I asked, "Do you have any other family here?"

"No, do you?"

"Two cousins - Andromeda and Narcissa." I made a face on the last one. "Oh well, they're not as bad as Bellatrix."

"Bellatrix Black?" James' eyes were wide. "I've heard of her - of what she did at school."

"Yeah well that's my family," I said moodily. Not wanting to be a complete killjoy I changed the subject and tried to brighten my tone. "You play Quidditch?"

"Yes. Hopefully a seeker next year." He made a grab for a fake snitch.

I raised my eyebrows. "Seeker? You gotta be pretty for that."

"Yeah, and?" He asked carelessly. He was obviously arrogant and we both laughed.

"_You better be in Slytherin." _I heard someone say from near the window. I leaned around the fat kid sitting next to me to see a pale boy with long, greasy hair staring adoringly at the small girl across from him.

"Slytherin?" James asked. I could feel my stomach sinking. He had apparently heard too and their head turned towards us. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" James glanced at me.

"My whole family has been in Slytherin," I said seriously.

"Blimey!" James said in mock horror. "and I thought you seemed all right!"

I grinned, relaxing. "Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James lifted and invisible sword, his chest thrown out. "'Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad."

The greasy-haired boy snorted and James turned on him.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," he said with a sneer. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy."

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" I interjected feeling suddenly protective of James.

The girl sat up as James roared with laughter. She glared at me and James with dislike. "Come on, Severus," she said in a lofty voice. "Let's find another compartment."

"Ooooo…" James and I taunted at the same time.

"Let's find another compartment, Severus," I imitated her in a high voice.

James laughed and tried to trip the boy as he passed. "See ya Snivellus!" he called.

Sitting there laughing and grinning with this boy, I knew there was no way I was going into Slytherin now. I'd do anything to join him in Gryffindor.


	5. Chapter 5

One thing had been keeping me sane these twelve years in Azkaban - the knowledge that I was innocent. I did not commit the crime I was imprisoned for.

I looked around at the other prisoners who were driven to extremes, self-hatred and guilt practically consuming them.

It was a guaranteed fact that every single person here was deranged, unhinged in some way, including me.

I was barely ever in the present. I couldn't drag myself out of my memories and just _live_. But I also couldn't give them up. Then there truly would be no reason for living.

I had to admit, as I lay on my bed staring at the dripping ceiling, that I would be lost if I was released.

The only way of life I knew was how I had been living in the past. I wouldn't know where to start. And I couldn't imagine living in a world without James.


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm going to ask out Evans," James announced one day. We were all in the common room sitting around the fire due to the rainy weather.

Remus and Peter were playing chess and I was adding much-needed effects to the family photo that my mother had just sent me. Right now Bellatrix's head was on fire and Narcissa was sporting an impressive moustache.

I snorted when James said this and looked up from my art. "Evans?" I asked in disbelief. "She'll never go out with you. She hates you."

"Well that's because I haven't declared my love for her yet. I'm sure she's been just waiting for me to do it, these past four years."

Peter disguised his laugh as a cough and muttered something that sounded like, "Ridiculous."

"Like you know anything!" James said angrily.

I laughed. "Yeah Petey," I nudged him with my foot. "You must be the expert on girls. You've been with how many, exactly?"

"Hey!" Peter sat up. "I've been going to every Hogsmede trip with Bellicent Midgeon this month."

"You're right." I said seriously. "A _fine _catch!" Peter threw his knight at me which hit my nose and immediately made my eyes water. I swore, slamming down my quill. Peter squeaked and ran to hide behind Remus, who couldn't stop laughing.

"Alright, I'm going for it," James said, obviously not paying attention to us.

"Fine," I said grumpily. He stood up, looking over at Evans. I had no idea why he liked her so much. I thought she was pretty annoying myself from the first time I had seen her in that compartment. She was sitting alone at the table, completely absorbed in her book.

"Evans!" James shouted over the noise of the common room. "Hey Evans!"

She looked up. "What?" she called back warily.

"Will you go out with me?"

At this point I burst into a roar of laughter and Peter was on all fours on the floor.

"_What?_ No!" Her tone was disgusted as though James had asked her if she wanted to eat a hippogriff.

James sank back down in his chair, his face bright red. "Shut up!" he hissed at us. "Shut up!"

I straightened up, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Well…that went well."

James only glared at me. "What did I do wrong?"

"Maybe next time you shouldn't shout at her." Remus advised. "Or call her Evans."

"What _is _her real name?" Peter asked baffled.

"It's Lily!" Remus said, completely exasperated.

"Sirius shouts at girls all the time and they go for it," James complained.

"That's Sirius," Remus said shaking his head. "His relationships also only last a week."

I just shrugged. "You'll have better luck next time, mate."

"Yeah I guess." James said moodily staring at the fire.

"What's wrong, Remus?" I asked. He suddenly looked very miserable and pale.

"Hmm? What?" he asked, his eyes frantic.

"Are you sick?"

"Yes. Just a cold or something." He sounded a little afraid and moved back into the shadows so I dropped it.

Later as I lay in my bed, thinking about everything that day I felt a little panicked. Sitting up, I ripped back the curtains that surrounded my bed. "James?" I whispered.

"What?" His voice came somewhere to the right of me.

I leaned out. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for my dad's invisibility cloak."

"What for?" His dad's invisibility cloak was legendary. I had only been privileged to use it a couple times.

"I was going to try to find the Slytherin common room. Jinx Snape in his sleep or something. Anyway, what did you want?"

"Oh. Well," I began, feeling awkward. "I know things are going to change and stuff, but you'll always be there for me, right? No matter what?" I was mostly just trying to reassure myself. He moved nearer to my bed.

"Yeah," his face was serious. "Of course. You're my best friend."

I smiled. "I know. I was just worried, you know, lots of people have disappointed me."

"No matter what," James said, smiling himself. "And I'll need my second. Who's going to back me up in all the fight I get into?"

I laughed. "I'll be there too."

"Always?"

"Always."


	7. Chapter 7

Bellatrix Lestrange. She was the one I hated the most out of my dysfunctional family. Fresh out of Hogwarts she immediately joined up with the Deatheaters. I hadn't had much contact with her since then, but I knew she had been imprisoned for torturing Frank and Alice into madness.

She was evil and diabolical and practically worshipped Voldemort to the point of insanity. She also had a cell right next to mine.

"Sirius Black," she leered one day, kneeling on the floor with her skeletal fingers on the bars.

I stayed on the dirty bed, ignoring her. It was the first time she had tried to talk to m since she had been here.

"Don't you wish you had picked the winning side now?"

I gave a short, hoarse laugh. "The winning side, Bellatrix?" My voice cracked from disuse. "You think you're on the winning side? Look at yourself. You are lower than me."

She scowled, looking haughty, just like old times when we'd fight. "I'm not lower than you. He's still out there. My friends are much more durable than yours."

My mouth was dry. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She smiled, exposing her rotten teeth. "My reason for living, the dark lord, is still out there. He'll come back for me. But where's your friend? Where is he, Sirius?" she asked softly, watching my face. "James Potter is rotting away in a cemetery now."

I closed my eyes as the pain of her words shot through me. "No he's not."

"No?" She stared at me in amazement before throwing her head back and laughing. Her eyes were wide. "You think he's still alive?"

I averted my eyes, my mind whirling in helpless circles. "He said he'd never leave me. He promised he would always be there for me."

The cell rang with Bellatrix's laughter.


End file.
